Having difficult conversations with in-laws


While your extended family can be vital in raising children, sometimes things can get complicated, and you might need to have difficult conversations with your in-laws or your child’s grandparents. Here are some ideas of how to approach these issues and try to resolve them.

Grandmother, mother and child

Grandparents can play a special role in your child’s life, so it’s important to resolve issues and understand each others boundaries.
Most grandparents, parents-in-law or other family members mean well when offering advice or help. But sometimes the boundaries for grandparents is not very clear. They may challenge your parenting style and decisions, or not offer you and your children the positive support you think they should.
Pick the right time and be patient
If you need to have a tricky or difficult conversation, it can really help to put specific time aside to talk. If possible, choose a time where you won’t be interrupted, and you’re all feeling as calm and relaxed as possible. It’s best when your children aren’t there.
Explain calmly what the issues are from your point of view. It’s important to be patient, honest and open. Listen what each person says and try to respond calmly.
If things start to get too intense, it might be a good idea to stop and meet again when you are a bit calmer. Giving your in-laws and the grandparents time to reflect on what you’ve said, and having some time for you to reflect on what they said, can help.
Focus on the problem

It’s important to stick to the specific problem you want to talk about and not get distracted by other issues. For example, if you don’t want your in-laws to look after your child, is it because you think they’re no longer physically or mentally capable of doing so? Or is it because you feel frustrated with them being in your home when you’re not there? Or is it something else? It will help if you are very clear about the issue.
It can also help to think about areas where you can compromise, and what might work for everyone.
Use ‘I’ statements

Difficult conversations may stir up a range of emotions for you, your partner, your in-laws and the child’s grandparents.
It can help to write down your thoughts before you meet, and even practice what you want to say. Using ‘I’ statements, such as ‘I feel upset when…’ instead of blaming language, such as ‘You are really selfish…’ can make things flow better. Deal with only one issue at a time.
Try alternative methods of communication

Sometimes it can help to communicate through email, phone or letter if talking face-to-face is difficult.
If you’re going to write a message, it’s a good idea to write it then leave it for a while. Read it again another day when you’re feeling calm. Does it still make sense? If you think so, and you think it’s a good idea still, then send it. Giving yourself a second look can save you doing something you’ll regret later.
Respect differences

There might be some big differences between how you see things, and the views of your family and siblings. Remember, it might also be hard for grandparents to tell you they think you’re doing a good job. They might also have different parenting styles from you, and raised their children differently. Respecting your differences and offering different solutions can help avoid conflict.
Understand that they have their own lives

It is easy to forget that grandparents and in-laws have their own lives, interests and schedules. Be sure to pay them respect by acknowledging the way they live their lives, and the things that are important to them.
Trial a solution and be flexible

Be flexible and try not setting things in stone. For example, have a three-week trial of grandparents caring for your child for set periods while you are at work. Some grandparents struggle to juggle caring for their grandchildren with other commitments, so it might be helpful to ask how they are managing. Their role is likely to change as your child grows up, and as things in their lives change.
You all care about your children, so it can help to think of everyone being on the same team, and working towards building a stronger family together.
Encourage in-laws or grandparents to get involved

Once you’ve agreed what roles in-laws or grandparents will have, involving them in your children’s lives can really strengthen your relationships. It can be helpful to give grandparents suggestions of how they can play a part, whether that’s helping with homework, picking the kids up from school or just giving them time and space to play.
Being flexible and letting plans change now and then can help you have a richer experience.