I didn't feel beautiful anymore.....

Pregnancy changes everything for a couple, specially for the expecting woman ... Changes everything, from how she feels to how she dresses up. From the way she walk, talks, eats and sleeps to the way she feels inside her body. She starts living in and out of her own body, like as if she wants to own it and equally disown it. I too felt the same, with a lot riding on my mind and body.;

After delivery starts a whole lot, the baby, breastfeeding, sleepless nights, aching stitches, hungry pangs and what not. The initial few months, you are busy tending to the needs of the baby and yourself. We, new mom's feel guilty to take a little me time and pamper ourselves. The same thing happen with me, my husband was always ready to help, the little bit that he could do and never shied away from changing nappies if required. But there was a growing distance between both of us, like as if it were a deep valley and I was stuck.;

I started realising that me and my partner need the me time with each other. But somewhere there is a feeling that constantly haunts,; I didn't feel beautiful anymore, I felt like a sac of flesh, blood and bones covered with skin and yes a lot of fat. Once you have a baby, you don't take care of yourself, you don't bother to look into the mirror. I took notice that, I didn't get any compliments from my husband anymore, neither the looks that always made me feel wanted and loved. He always seemed busy, lost in work or TV or mobile. It wasn't about the lovey dovey stuff like new couples, but it was more about feeling wanted.;

I started to feel that it's the way, I looked that made the difference. I looked like puddle of mess, with my hair messy and face sweaty and yes the weight gain to add to the list. I felt that if I changed the way, I looked and wore different clothes and lost weight may be things would change. I started to feel desparate, I wanted to look beautiful again. We, Indians define beauty with fair skin and a curvy lean figure. Now, not everyone is Kareena Kapoor Khan to bounce back, she has the facilities and the money. Not that I'm jealous about her, but why not!!! She has everything at her feet if she demanded. So, yes, my desperation brought me to a stage, where I wasn't happy, I was trying to figure out the best cosmetics, shampoos, clothes online and diet to look good. Tried doing so many things, with the knowing deep down that he (my husband) loved me and loves me to the ends of the Earth, but something was missing for me. I even started putting words in my hubby's mouth to compliment me and make me feel good..but it didn't work. Because, what actually changed was the way I was looking at my self and felt about myself, he was still the same except for the fact that he wanted me to take time, recover and give time to settle with the baby and baby's chores.;

Then this happen, my son then 1.7 yrs was picking up words and one day while he was busy playing and as I sat watching him, he suddenly leapt over with his hand on my cheek and said "amma beautiful". That's it, my whole world changed, yes I'm a mom, I might look messy and sweaty but for my boy I'm beautiful. I might look stupid and fat, but I'm his first love. I started appreciating the mother in me and believe me I didn't need to know if I looked good or no. Did that little heart know, what his mom was going through?? I wished I could capture the moment, but I know now that I've captured it forever in my heart. Now I know, I looked good and felt more than beautiful. With all my heart, I know that both my boys ( my husband and son) love me and their love is not defined by how I look, but by what I am. 💓💓💓