I hurt her so much, that she couldn’t even cry!
Her eyes were red, filled up to the brim with tears. But she still managed to hold them back. I could make out from her face that I had stabbed her in the heart with my words alone, that I had hurt her so much that she wouldn’t even cry! And well… that’s exactly what I wanted!
“There’s just one cake, and it’s for your brother”, Ma told me when I was going to pick up the cake for our birthday celebrations in the evening.
“But it’s not bhai’s birthday alone, it’s my birthday as well! My friends will come in the evening too, how do you think I should celebrate?” I intimidated her.
She mumbled unsatisfactory answers and it all became fodder for my anger, so much that I knew I had to teach her a lesson. “Of course, how can I forget? He’s your favorite, so why waste a cake on me? I might as well go to hell, especially because it’s my birthday! Keep loving him, and let me be your waste of everything”, I said in a fit of anger. I said even worse things, which I cannot muster enough strength to pen down here.
She must have cried gallons as I marched out of the house to pick her favourite baby’s birthday cake! He was 9 years younger than me, but she loved him more, always, and it was not acceptable to me anymore! Her statements of ‘how can I be partial towards my kids’ was all fake, just as I had assumed!
The evening happened, with the worst mood ever, I had my friends come over. My dearest friends arrived with a huge cake and I realized how thoughtful it was of them. At least someone thought about me! It was only when my friend spoke to my mom, saying, “Sorry aunty, Honey must have thrown a fit! Knowing her, it’s so guessable”. MY MOM KNEW THEY WERE TO SURPRISE ME WITH A CAKE??
“Oh, hahah, she said. I tried very hard to keep your secret, but I hope she loved it”, she and the others turned to me for a reaction.
My world had just broken. For one stupid surprise, I said so many mean things to her. I went to her, hugged her and apologized. She tried not to cry, but she couldn’t stop! But she forgave me, after all she is Mom, she ought to!
I had a great evening and I thought the pain was over with the day too …
But the guilt still stays with me!
If I could go back to that day, I wish I could not say such things to her. Now, when I’m a mom and one of my babies denies my feelings, I feel so rejected. It quite stings my heart with a ton of thorns to think of what I must have made her feel that day! I hated her so much, and I chose my birthday to tell her that! She had put an entire day into planning it for us, and what did I give to her in return?! Every now and then I think of this instance and I curl up in pain, I wish I could say Sorry, over and over again, but I don’t think that’s how life works!
After being mom, my Ma became my best friend. She was the only one who could see through my smiles and know I’m splitting. She knew I couldn’t manage even a simple thing on my own and she did beyond what her body or her family allowed, just to be there for me. If there was anyone who looked after my bubs as gently as I could, it was her… and every little thing she said and did, or still does matters to me.
On this mother’s day, I wish I could ask the almighty to grant me a chance to undo all the nasty things I did to her, unknowingly… or knowingly!
Mumma, sorry is too little a word for all the damage I did!
But you know I Love you!
When they said that God is present for every child in the form of their mother, they were definitely talking about you! I wish I could give you all the happiness, but for today, give me your forgiveness!
Love you to the moon and back, Ma! Happy Mother’s Day!