Living And Loving My Son After His Passing: Johannah Hull

Johannah lost her 19-month old just like that one fine day. She had returned home from a Zumba class and Jared, her son, was jumping around. Johannah has a very vivid recollection of the moment.

He walked up to her and said, “Mamma, Mamma eat….” Johannah smiled and said, “What are you eating?” and he ran out. A few minutes later, her daughter, who was in the same room as him, came and told her, “Mamma, come see Jared is sleeping so peacefully on the floor, don’t disturb him, okay?”

Jared’s first and last words were MAMMA. The family later found out that he had choked on a marshmallow.

This is how in Johannah’s words is how she is attempting to grapple with her unimaginable loss.

People wonder how I live, how I am strong and how I go on everyday But, they can’t ask a mother who has lost her son. When people ask me, “ How are you ?” I guess I now understand what they are trying to ask.

The fact is losing my son Jared has made me ‘lost’. I feel like looking for him but I know I can’t find him here. I can still imagine his voice, his mischievous smile saying “mamma” and when I try to look for him he’s not there.

I try to imagine scenarios with my boy and it just becomes painful because he isn’t here to make them come true. I just ask Why Jared? Why us? Our family?

A mother’s instinct to protect her child is the strongest feeling for any mother and I feel violated. I couldn’t protect my son. My baby boy is gone forever while I am still alive defying the natural order.

We are three surviving members my husband, my daughter and I. I love them both very much. I love Jared so much – What do I do when I feel this overwhelming love? I can’t show it to him nor express it. My heart just explodes.

I still remember his last words, “ mamma mamma eat “ and then I saw him 3 days after his passing where he said to me “ Okay Mamma, okay mamma!” I hadn’t heard that voice since.

I will carry my son in my heart for as long as I live. He will forever be my baby of 19 months. I will continue to live for him until I see him again and live for eternity with him.

I love you Jared! Oh yeah, Nattie got a haircut today and she looks pretty. Give her a hug and kissie. Ummuuaah.

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