Reviving The Lost Intimacy

Raj was in an absolute romantic mood. While he was browsing through his emails for one last time before sleeping, Ria was busy pampering her skin with her bedtime routine of applying moisturizer. Raj suddenly took a glance and Ria. She looked stunning in her black sleeveless nighty. Raj could not help but notice Ria’s long curly tresses hanging down her neck. He slowly kept his phone aside and went close to her and started moving his fingers untanging her beautiful curls. Ria skipped a heart beat and turned towards Raj. Just as the two were about to lock their lips, came the voice “Mumma, I am feeling scared and want to sleep with you today”. Rehan was Ria and Raj’s four year old son whom the couple had recently stopped co sleeping. Ria instantly agreed to Rehan and asked him to sleep next to her. Rehan cuddled Ria and slept. This left Raj all frustrated.  Ria couldn’t help. This was not the first time.

Ria, Raj and Rehan lived as a nuclear family. While their parents stayed closeby, they were pretty much a self sustained family. Both husband and wife worked in IT companies and had a crazy life from Monday to Friday. Weekdays were all about work, commute, late night meetings, chores and Rehan’s school routine while weekends went in entertaining relatives, attending birthday parties or preparing for the week ahead. Ria and Raj were married for 5 years now. Life was all about romance, impromptu sex, dinner dates, movie outings and enjoying freedom before Rehan was born. While both Raj and Ria were hands on parents and a great team when it came to managing household, they were left with close to nil energy to have sex or enjoy some intimacy at of the day. Both of them felt the need for intimacy and romance on separate occasions. For some reason everytime one had sex on mind, the other would be pre occupied with something else and this led to frustration in their relationship resulting in arguments, fights and depression. Although they both realised the issue well, both were too egoistic to speak about it freely or too busy to discuss it on priority.

We have a Ria and Raj in every household. Every couple at some point of time starts giving least priority to intimacy and sex especially after having babies. This is the unsaid, unspoken emotion of every couple that stays confined to the walls of their bedroom. Lack of  intimacy and sex can lead to depression, frustration, communication gaps and in worse scenarios emotional trauma, extra marital affairs and divorce.

Most of the time, after having a baby, couples forget to realise that they need to give each other some time. Children definitely consume lot of parents’ mind and energy leaving them with little to spare for each other. Here are some tips for couples to keep that spark alive after babies:

Make sure you hug your spouse every day. It can either be in the morning as a good morning hug, or a departing hug when you leave for work, or a hug when you meet each other at the end of the day. Hugs release stress and keeps you connected.

Once your baby starts eating solids, ask your extended family or a trusted family member to take care of your baby for few hours while you catch up with your spouse on a dinner date or a romantic movie date. It helps you relive your good old romantic days. A romantic date is a great chance to trigger intimacy leading to sex.

It is important to have mental and emotional connect with your spouse amidst all the transactional routine. Long drives, walks or joining some form of classes or activity can rejuvenate these connects which can ultimately trigger physical intimacy.

A bedroom rule to keep your digital addictions at bay should be implemented. Make sure your children have a set sleep routine which gives you sometime for each other end of the day. Simple cuddles and confinements are other channels to intimacy.

If your children are old enough to stay for a night without you and your spouse, plan a couple vacation or an outstation trip to refresh all the lost connect and intimacy. Do not feel guilty about leaving your kids. Remember, you are a couple first and parents next. This side of your relationship requires equal importance.

Sexting or texting about sex is another way of communication couples opt for in the digital age. This helps to keep the spark alive in long distance relationship.

Lost intimacy leading to lack of sex leads to communication gap and depression. Not having sex can have multiple excuses. How about finding an excuse to have one? It bottoms down to priorities and understanding. Never let one relationship take over  the other. Every relationship has its own need and requirements. Compartmentalising your mind over these relationships is of sheer importance. Sex is one of those compartments and one must not compromise over that either! 

Also read: How My Husband Sees Sex

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