I want to ask you a question, What do you think about yourself?
Is it how you don't look anything like the girls in these publications and movies? and if that is not you, you are not beautiful officially.
Please tell me whom do you look upto anyway?
We often see pretty faces around especially with the booming 'perfect body' 'perfect skin' market in india, everybody wants to be the one with best body, best hair and best skin, isn't it?
Amidst that, BODY SHAMING - A word that we generally associate with those typical aunties who talk about other people's kids, Isn't it?
But think, are they the only source of body shaming around us? Aren't we the ones who think ill about ourselves?
Well, In my case it was 'Me'. Yes! I body shamed myself. Alot. If i go back in time, i remember, when i had a terrible schedule with work, studies and everything.
This obviously had to affect my health. I reduced from 52 kgs to 48 kgs in 3 months. It was pathetic. My doctor said i looked pale and my body wasn't producing enough blood.
If you ask me today, i would say my schedule, my food, the stress weren't the reason for my health. It wasn't because i was fat or skinny or anything.
It was only because I WASN'T COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN. I didn't knew what I brought to the table. I wasn't clear about my thoughts, what made me happy and what I wanted. It was only because I questioned myself that I allowed myself to be surrounded by people who questioned me. It was also because of the fact that being 'skinny' in my head wasn't good enough, hence when i shed weight I thought I was ugly, Very ugly. I had completely stopped going out, cut out on all my social circles.
People around me knew something was wrong, but they enjoyed the show and didn't participate. It went to such an extent that i started posting pictures that were not even mine, i started forcing myself into things that I didn't even enjoy just to be involved with people my age. I had started living a life for validation. I knew waking up this hollow wasn't normal. I knew something wasn't right. I even called up my friends and told them that this is not how I felt earlier. Save me! This went on for 6 months. I don't know if it was depression as i hadn't consulted a doct, but these 6 months were not less than a nightmare.
Somewhere I read this quote 'THERE IS NOTHING WORST THAN FAKING YOUR OWN HAPPINESS' and that is when things changed. The first thing I did was crying my heart out ALOUD. That's the only way all the misery could go out. Accepting myself exactly the way I was was the only way out and with time I did that.
Today, as I pen this down, things are better. Though the insecurities do trigger on some days, some days I am still fighting to understand am I good enough? but now I am ok with not being okay all the time.
There is no such thing as 'FLAWLESS'. Hence, never try to be one. Love you all.
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