When my baby boy was born, he was far from perfect. He didn't look anything like the ones we see in magazines or the ads. He looked so grumpy (like someone woke him up from some deep slumber), like someone smashed his face and was hairy. Add a dash of family drama, boil over my roaring lady hormones and season it with curious relatives... Sure enough I'd begun with a recipe for the distasteful months to come.
Apply turmeric paste, besan, milk cream.. What? I could've made some coconut chutney and eaten him up as well. The hair will go they said.. What did happen though was my baby's skin turned red. He hated his baths and he still does.
Of course, add cradle cap.. That's another story altogether..I do not want to go by that lane.
Then comes his nose.... Oh his nose! Pinch it.. Pull it.. Squeeze it at 5.00am... Only thing left to do was take it out and make chapatis for myself. I blame myself for it. I felt horrible about it. What if I passed on all the horrible genes? I should've done this..I should've done that. I should've reached out to Mrs. Google!
I somehow let that go and he grows. We reach 6 months and I'm happy I made it in one piece.. Mostly sane for the most part of it.
I begin to see things a bit better but no no no no... Not so easy. My boy comes down with viral and loses all his weight. He falls ill frequently. He's being called skinny. Now I didn't let that watch-the-weight-monster in right away. Thanks to moms here! But it happened because of all the people around saying he looked like a 5 month old rather than a 9 month old. You see the numbers! The analysis, data, numbers, statistics side in me sprung out.. How! How?
It hurt the most when my mom told me he's skinny. I lashed out at her like a lion.. Lioness. For my luck she realised what I was going through and consoled me. I broke down.
Mrs. Google and I had lots and lots of nights together. Recipes, activities, sleep patterns, feeding patterns, avocado, banana and what not!
I scheduled stuff.. Forced food down his throat, cried, danced.. Did everything I could except love him for what he is.
Yesterday was the last I could take. We went for our usual evening walk and my neighbor said he was not fully developed... My heart broke! That was it..I came home with a heavy heart. I did not confide with anyone at home.. Not even mum or hubby. I'd given them enough. I was up all night thinking about it (I'm a thinker you see.. If I was paid for thinking.. There wouldn't be enough money in this world to pay me). I slept over it and just let it pass.
This morning too I woke up with the very same thoughts. I looked at his fur like hair on his forehead, his non existential nose, skinny body and just kept looking at all I could find wrong in him. It pierced me so bad.
He wanted to play and so we were playing peek a boo. I hid myself behind a large hand fan as I cried but when I came out of the fan, my baby gave me the biggest smile and heartiest laugh I've ever heard. His eyes lit up as they see me.. They gleam with joy!
It struck me then....... Why oh why!!? How could I have not realised it? I'm such a horrible mother!
I realised at that moment that for my baby, I'm the most beautiful thing he could see, feel, touch of ever know. In his eyes I'm perfect.. The most wonderful being. Nothing or no one could change that! Now and forever. Why then did I let myself astray? Why did I not see the beautiful gifts in him? Why did I see all the so called wrongs or defects in him?Was I not in love with him like he is with me? I'm...I know so. Maybe I didn't fall in love with him right away (I was scared of that grumpy face you know.. Don't blame me)
That one smile brought me out of that miserable thought train.
It's not that I don't care but today I learned what I should really care about. The reason I write this today is because there are some of us who have fallen into this vicious cycle and do not appreciate what we have. We blame ourselves endlessly and I want you to know it's not going to take you anywhere. We are lucky to have our babies with us.. We are lucky to be able to love them and take care of them. Love them for whatever they are.. However they are! They're a piece of you and the one you love waiting to be discovered and rediscovered. Enjoy it to your fullest.. To your hearts content because love has no bounds. Do I think my baby is perfect now? For me.. He is!
Your post made my day, I fume over even lighter comments on my baby for her flat nose, tiny eyes etc etc, I wonder how u sailed through it and best part is happy ending of negatives in you !
26 Sep 2019