Self-esteem in children

Self-esteem is your overall sense of worth or personal value. It describes the way you feel about yourself. A person is not born with a high or low self-esteem. It is something that develops in childhood and requires an enormous amount of emotional, social and intellectual learning.

Sad girl with low self-esteem

Learning how to cope with disappointment is important for developing your child’s self-esteem.
Your child’s self-esteem may be high or low, and this will show in their behaviour, their confidence, how they approach challenges and how they respond to relationships. Having a high self-esteem is vital to becoming a positive person and can help your child succeed at school and in later life.
Building children’s self-esteem

As soon as babies are born, they begin to learn about the world. It is from these early experiences, and from what they see, hear and feel within the family, that they start to develop ideas about themselves. They learn whether they are loved, valued and belong, and whether they are okay or not.
Children’s sense of themselves is the basis of their self-esteem. Children who have a positive self-esteem feel they belong, are able to achieve things, believe they can be successful and feel good about the things they do in life.
For very young children, how they feel about themselves relates to doing things: building, constructing and playing. As kids build confidence in their ability to do things, their sense of self-esteem grows. This in turn affects how they fit into group activities like playgroups, preschool, and later, school and clubs.
How other people relate to children also affects their self-esteem. Parents in particular have a strong influence on how children feel about themselves. Helping children by encouragement is important. Childhood is about learning new things, so it is very important not only to praise your children for completing things they are doing well, but also for achieving small steps on the way.
As children grow, they challenge themselves to learn new skills. This is their own internal motivation to succeed. They will also be influenced by how they are thought of and treated by other people, such as teachers and friends. Experiencing both success and failure as part of living influences children’s self-esteem.
Praise and encourage your child

Children who succeed (by themselves or with help) will try again, gaining more successes, satisfaction and high self-esteem. Repeated failure may mean that children lose confidence, give up trying and could develop a low opinion of themselves.
Family and friends should praise children’s achievements and successes, no matter how small they may seem. Encourage your kids to try again if they do not get it quite right the first time.
Celebrate with your children when they bring you their paintings or show you a construction they have made. You can ask them about what they have made by saying, ‘You have an interesting picture, tell me about it,’ or ‘You have put so much work into that game, can you tell me about it?’.
Be aware that they may not get something right after the first try and may need some help from you. Make sure you do not end up doing it for them to save time and your patience. Your children will get used to you doing it for them and not experience the sense of achievement in doing something all by themselves.
Finally, listen to your child. Let them tell their stories. They are developing and growing and need to share their world with others.
Ways to increase your child’s self-esteem

Children’s self-esteem increases when they:
know they are loved

know they are accepted

feel they belong

can do things successfully and be useful

feel independent, unique and special

feel safe and secure

are happy.

Improving your child’s confidence will boost their self-esteem. As a parent, you can build your child’s self-esteem by:
giving them your time

giving them hugs

smiling and being interested in what they do and say

encouraging and praising their efforts

setting goals that are within their ability

accepting some mistakes and failure while they are learning

teaching difficult things in small steps

encouraging them to have a go, even if they say ‘I can’t’

celebrating small improvements as well as big successes

tolerating some mess when they are making things or practising

respecting them

allowing them to make decisions and choices no matter how small

listening to their ideas and giving constructive feedback

playing with them and providing toys for free play

encouraging their interests and friendships

giving them space to calm down when necessary and support them as they overcome tantrums

encouraging them to express their feelings.

Coping with disappointment
Learning how to cope with disappointment when they do not get something right or cannot get their way is also important for the development of kids’ self-esteem.
Guiding toddlers and preschoolers through these emotions can be difficult, but by learning to cope with their own emotions, they increase their self-esteem.
Confidence at school

When they are at school, show your child that you value them for their individual talents rather than only for their marks. Focus on their strengths. Find out about the school and attend information sessions. Make time to listen to your child about what they are doing at school. If they are being bullied, speak to their teachers or get professional help.
It takes patience and persistence for adults to help their children develop high self-esteem but the rewards are wonderful: children that have the confidence to try new things, who believe that they are worthwhile people and can succeed in life.