Today I want to talk about a topic that is very close to my heart. It is something that I have gone through myself. It took me years to realize how I was harming myself. But once I did, I have never looked back.
And that is Negative Body Image.
I was never an active child. Sports was not my forte. I was more of a geek happy with my books and my gang of friends. Harry Potter interested much more than a game of ball. I did learn classical dancing for almost 9 years. But back then I used to view that as a chore rather than a fun activity.
So I became one of those rotund kids.

This continued well into my teenage. When the first wave of hormones hit me at puberty, I started noticing other girls in my class and then I started noticing the mirror.
Now I was never obese mind you. But I was not one of them 'slim' ones either. I started noticing the boys noticing the girls and i started noticing no guy noticing me. ( Apologize for the alliterations. I am trying to force humor I guess. )
My friends used to lovingly call me 'motu.' 
When this moniker became the definition of my existence, I did not realize. But before I knew it I was defining my life with just one word- MOTU.
Having a family that was obsessed with ranks and studies didn't really help. I took science after 10th. So I had to score well.
I had become so self depreciating that I hated looking myself in the mirror. I am a foodie. I was fat. But I would still want to stuff myself with food , because I was guilty of being fat. I would feel guilty of eating out with friends because I would feel judged about my eating. 
The first time I failed in my life in a paper was in 11th grade. It was physics. I had got the least marks in the class. I was a distinction student in my SSC boards. I was devastated. I binged on 3 packet of chips to get over my frustration and thus began a cycle of self abuse. 
I had zero knowledge of exercises or fitness at that time.
It saddens me that schools don't lay enough emphasis on physical fitness. I don't know the state of affairs now.  They never used to back then.
I was sad about being one of the 'plain janes.' I was sad about losing out on my crush of 7 years because he obviously did not find me attractive enough. I was sad about being a loser in life.
I was depressed.
I had my first ever nervous breakdown when I was 18. I gave my 12th boards through depression. I somehow scraped through and managed to get admission in a reputed engineering college. 
Then the nightmare began.
I was finally in a proper institution with students from all over the state with such brilliant scores and abilities. The girls were pretty, the boys were handsome.
And I was. well, just there. Just existing. 
This unhealthy negativity continued well into my adulthood. Having boyfriends who would tell me things like maybe your hair could be straighter or maybe your butt could be smaller or maybe your arms could be thinner did not really help. I was looking at myself through the eyes of the world.
Each time I would look into the mirror I would see layers of fat. I would see unruly frizzy Albert Einstein hair. I would see a big fat nose. I would see cellulite. I would see facial hair. I would see bulging hips. I would see hanging arm fat. I would a jiggling belly.
But I never noticed the most beautiful pair of eyes I had ever seen. I never noticed those gorgeous dark black waves which ended in dancing curls. I never noticed that dimpled chin which gave a lovely angle to my jaw. I never noticed the soft swell of my breasts which gave such a womanly stature to my body. I never noticed curve of my hips which had developed thanks to years of my bharatanatyam training. 
You know when I noticed all of those? 3 years ago. When I became  a professional dancer. When I gave my first performance with my team. All of 72 kgs but I moved to the rhythm of the beats and got a standing ovation from the audience. I had tears in my eyes because I felt beautiful. I felt accepted. I felt I had accomplished something. I had finally meaning in my life. I felt proud of myself.
Since then I have NEVER looked back.  People tell me, 'Oh it's easy for you. You are slim and trim. You look pretty.' I wish I could tell them nothing comes easy in life.
Yes I took effort and lost weight. But I could manage that ONLY because I had fallen in love with myself long before.
I wish I could go back in time and tell the teenage me, "Listen up girl. You are awesome. Don't let a bunch of morons who are going to be really sad people as adults put you down."
As women, I find we are quite judgmental of our bodies. We all want flatter tummies, narrower hips, sharper cheekbones, fuller or smaller boobs, shinier hair and the list goes on. Even I have been guilty of this. 
But maybe we should all slow down a bit and give ourselves a big hug. Each one of us is beautiful.
Dark skin=beautiful.

Less hair=beautiful.

A crippled body=beautiful.

A fat body= beautiful.

A thin body=beautiful.

Workout and get fit because you want to become healthy. Not because you think you are ugly. Because you are already beautiful. You have always been and you always will be.
And teach this to your daughters and sons. They will follow what you lead.
It took me 26 years to realize that the best version of me is already present in me. I have always been the version of me. I just needed to open my eyes to see.
Take care and stay happy.
#slayfitmama
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