When I was 16, I was hooked onto Mills and Boons. I carried it with me everywhere!! To the class, in the car, to the school, to bed and even to the pot! I dreamt of my tall, dark and handsome, of my heart leaping when he would kiss my lips, of my foot popping when he held me close, some whipped cream and nights of endless sex!!!
Sure enough I found all this. All this till I had a baby. I still managed to keep the romance alive, in spite of aching bones and sore boobs!! And then that resulted in a second baby. This rang the death toll on my sex life. I was always busy obsessing with the kids, the dishes, the un-kept house and my never-ending lament over my baby weight. The only use of whipped cream that I could think of was on the apple pie!
While all this was happening, my tall dark and handsome, had suffered huge neglect. Of course, he understood that the kids needed me, he tried to understand that the house was important, he tried to keep his calm when I chose dishes over spending time with him and tried hard not to look disappointed when my dormant libido’s nod to a suggestion of sex was ‘Yes, I have a boy and a girl!’
One day, he sat me down in a rather intense and open heart-to-heart. Here’s what the need to have sex veils:
1. Want me: It wasn’t about physical want. HE wanted me to make him feel special. To leave everything for a bit and initiate sex not because it was a physical urge for him, but because at an emotional level, it told him that I desired him. That if I could find the time for a zillion other things, I could find the time to desire him too.
2. You are my wife and I want to feel closer to you: Awww! Poor thing. While I keep telling him to call me during the day to check on me and the kids, this is how he demonstrates his need to be close to me. So if we have had a fight and haven’t found time to speak to each other, he’s reaching out for me to get back that feeling of closeness. For a man’s biological chemistry, in fact, sex is one of the only times that his brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which brings a great feeling of closeness with someone.
3. I am emotionally exposed to you right now: Picture this. He is in the mood. He’s not sure how you will react. He knows you are exhausted but he’s been waiting for the kids to sleep, the house to be done and somewhere at the bottom of the list, he’s hoping the sex will happen. He approaches me, feeling rather vulnerable, perhaps even scared (of rejection, of course). He is attaching his emotional quotient to the need to have sex and you tell him ‘I want to sleep!’ OUCH! So while you don’t need to force yourself to have sex, there’s always got to be a way to tell your man that it will happen tomorrow night: saucier, sexier and hotter!
So here’s the plan for tonight: just going to put the kids to bed, leave the dishes and take my moment, take my moment to re-create and remember that he is my Mills and Boons hero and my heart still flutters when he kisses me.
Also read more about: Sex after kids: Tips for tired mums to make it happen!