I lost my parents in a car accident when I was 9 or 10 years old, I don't even remember exactly. Trust me, growing up without parents is the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone. Being a girl, it was tougher for me.
I was too young. People often ridiculed my grief assuming that I am lucky that it happened in my childhood and I can't actually comprehend the situation. You might not feel the pain at the very moment but you feel your loss with time.
One thing I remember the most from my childhood is that I was a very happy go lucky, confident, cheerful, playful girl back then. But as we know, grief runs its course in stages and we are never prepared for it, I am not that person anymore.
Needless to mention, this had the larger impact on my personality, attitude towards life, love and relationships.
I grew up without seeing men in a protective role, who can give me undemanding love and affection. I was desperate for a loving relationship, because I never had one and a career, as I now know the consequences of being dependent.
I never really mourned as such but with time I felt the emptiness.
I felt it when I saw my friend's mother explaining her about menstruation when she got her first periods.
I felt it when I saw my friends discussing their career plans with their fathers.
I felt it when I saw people going on a family vacations. These are to name a few.
The past had surely affected me but over the time I have accepted it and decided to move on and be happy.
I have learned who is there for me actually, because people don't always keep their words. I have learned to feel my gaps on my own. Whatever other tragedies I had faced after that, I learned to deal with them. I have learned to let the bitterness and resentment go.
I have learned to love, live and enjoy whatever time I have, because I know life is so uncertain. I came to know about my strengths.
I had never expected this to happen to me, but it has happened and I have sailed through it. Nothing can amount to this tragedy and nothing can break me down.
I started appreciating good things about life and myself. If I can survive this, I can survive anything life throws at me.
People may think vulnerability is a negative word, but for me it's a motivation to do good things. I have opened myself for all the loving relationships. The most important thing that as I am a mother now, in an odd way it has made me be a better parent. I want to make the most of my relationship with him. Whatever time I have on this earth, I have the power to impact his life. When I am gone, the values I inculcate in him will be my own legacy!!
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